Treatise on the Proper Use of Wine, Grandly & Unremittingly, for the Pleasure of Body & Soul & in Defense Against All Manner of Ailments of the Limbs, External and Internal, Composed for the Instruction & Use of the Brothers of the Swilling Brigade

What Is Suitable of a Morning

The best hygiene is a cheery soul: any sot heedful of morals is keenly aware of this. Delicious wine, imbibed on a fasting stomach, furnishes fresh strength to those who make diligent use of the owl’s hours; wherefor Hippocrates speaks of monkey wine, which promotes good cheer, hog wine, which induces vomiting, lion wine, which particularly refreshes those of a belligerent nature, and sheep wine, which leads to mild manners. Hola! The sparkle of my brother’s nose! Bear in mind: ’tis never too soon to drink wine. Wherefor the first suitable thing of a morning is to rinse out the mouth, moisten the lungs, bathe the intestines: and in this way you shall caper at a brisk step the whole day through.

And the whole day through, wine shall furnish you with a firm and decisive stool, referred to by the wise Epistemon as papal, being by its nature infallible. Conversely, he who drinks water or other such things in the morning shall be of uncertain and shaky anus till the late evening hours; and shall lie down sweaty and have evil dreams. And conversely he who drinks wine shall have a clear conscience and peace of mind from sundown to sunup; and from one day to the next and so forth.

And wine shall furnish you with a healthy, pink urine, silky as a stag horn. And the urine of those who drink water shall be cloudy and sulfuric.

And wine shall furnish you with a mighty and beauteous member, and you shall flog it at will, and gaze upon it in gratitude. Whereas the members of those who drink water shall be filled with bubbles and hiccups.

And wine shall fortify your forearm and abdominal muscles, and your legs shall be as the masts of a great sailing ship; and conversely, those who drink water shall be sluggish and lacking even the vigor to lift a flail.

Translation © Alex Zucker